syckophant | IC Inbox

Mm—I tell most people here that I was a priest, or a diplomat, or a teacher, but precious few know that part of my history.

The funny thing is, I think I did manage to die with my reputation more or less intact—not arrested, merely assassinated. Perhaps I even got to lie in state.

Understandably. We're already a contentious bunch, aren't we? And it's hardly anyone's business what your past life was.

... Do you think you had any loved ones who would have cared to have a funeral?

Well, assuming things didn't go catastrophically wrong after the last thing I remember, I likely got a state funeral.

But, well—the way in which anyone could be said to care about me is... not precisely in a warm way. I suppose Qaiyaan probably would have cared, but then again I also used her quite extensively as a pawn while holding a great deal from her, so.

Not really one for friends, is what I'm saying. It seems like a number of us have that in common.

Edited 2020-01-25 03:48 (UTC)

"State funeral". Like once funded by the state, right? [It must be wild not being rich.]

Friendship isn't easy... and when you're known to be "useful", most people who want to befriend you are dishonest and selfish. I'm still trying to get used to anyone actually possibly caring about me.

Like one for a leader of state, dear.

Which, on a similar note: politics is absolutely the worst business to make friends in. There's a lot of dishonest and selfish people out there.

...I'm finding I do actually like everyone here, though. Something of a rarity.

Ah, like for the prime minister? Or is it more like the funeral of the Emperor?

Money and politics are very similar in that regard. They're entwined on these best of days, but I don't know if I'd call my empire "political". I was the heir to a great fortune and much power, so naturally people tried to make "friends", while being interested in nothing more than the pull one has.

Selfish, indeed...

I'm growing to like people more. I will not lie and say it was instantaneous, or that I even like them all now. But it's still difficult for me to believe anyone... has unselfish reasons to get near me.

Prime Minister's close, I think. I should think "First-Keeper and Voice of the Revolution" would at least afford me that much.

I suppose, too, my reluctance to form real friendships had a lot to do with the knowledge of the sacrifices and betrayals I'd need to commit to really reach my goals, and the ways in which I couldn't allow my work to be compromised. I probably gave more than a few people complexes about their own friendships.

Shame we're only figuring this out on our second chances.

[Sweats in "I definitely gave some people complexes about their own friendships, on purpose." He's only now thinking of the further reaching ramifications of that, but at the time, Eichi had thought... quite terribly of people.]

Maybe... but I feel like we needed to learn that here too, at least a little. With so many of us working with that demon... Our purposes could be misinterpreted, and it's easy to see everyone else as out for themselves...

And they are, a little. But some selfish desires don't stop someone from being able to be compassionate and caring too, I think.

I don't think there are that many people who would pin so much on a wish who are only trying to do something for their own benefit, after all.

[ She breaks a little bit off of a jam bar and pops it in her mouth; she looks pleased with whatever it happens to be. ]

But it's nice to be around comrades who understand that sometimes a little selfishness is all right. Comrades, or... friends, I suppose.

[Eichi actually... also goes for one of those bars, Paloma having taken a bit reminding him of them. He thinks on it awhile as he eats it, nodding a little. It's nothing extraordinary, but it is certainly something that shouldn't upset his stomach.]

It's true... It's nice that we have a unit that seems to understand that we have our own needs and wants and that while we are for the most part supportive of each other, it never seems to be overbearing.

It is a little like friendship, but I think we're all a little gunshy on that word...

Oh, we're all terrified of friendship, I think.

...except for Wildfire, which is oddly refreshing.

But all the same—as much as I've been shy of that word myself, you're not my kind in heritage, but this is honestly the most genuine I've been able to be around others in years. It turns out that's something I value.

...It's funny, actually. I got into my relationship with Tenn because I felt like I couldn't really be genuine with this unit. Mmmhh... I think the feeling has faded a little, especially since Kohime and I had our break. I imagine our paranoias were feeding each other. [That feels bad, especially since he does still care about Kohime a lot, but also. That makes sense.]

It's still a little hard to get past that.

Maybe more than any other unit here, we're image-conscious, aren't we, as a way to deal with threats... You had trouble from some other unitmates early on, too, right? So no rest.

I guess, too, when you're trying to be something very specific to someone—or a whole group of people—who need an anchor... it's hard to feel like you can be yourself. Unlike Yvette, I only ever play myself, but largely... curated.

Yeah... [He sighs. He doesn't like to think about it, honestly.] It doesn't feel good when people are more willing to protect someone who murdered someone outside of a game for no good reason over me. I just didn't thin we should have the reputation of "murders people for fun", regardless of whether that's true or not.

I want to be myself more, too. But I want "myself" to be a good leader. I was once, and I could be again, but it is harder to get people to believe in you when you are in this sort of setup where you can't know anyone before the fact.

I think I just need to know exactly when I should step up, and when I need to stand back.

Mm—it's a hard burden to shoulder, and this unit is a little like herding cats, if that's an expression humans still use.

I think, really... the way things are, Kohime won't react well to you stepping up, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it when it seems appropriate. But all the same, I don't think you need to try to take on the full force of everyone's suspicion. There's more of us to handle it, now.

I think they still do. I recognize the expression, haha...

I think I'd like to "step up" in ways unlike I had before. "Leader" should be someone who others follow, not someone who pushes them from behind, and so... it's okay that Kohime won't like it. She won't like anything I do, so I just have to be an example for her. Instead of fighting back or simply giving in, I'll still work towards compromise, and I'll still defend her no matter what. I'm not about to give orders anyway. And she may find that my decisions are designed for her health, too.

I don't expect she'll come around, but I hope that it dies down a little, when she sees I'm not abandoning her just because she's abandoned me.

And if the others support me, then I know it is because I am doing something right, rather than trying to control anyone.

I think you're on the right track, then. Actions speak louder than words, after all.

And, well—I think as a group we're not great at being controlled, but we're not by nature contrary or the sort to allow no leadership, after all.

"Controlling" isn't the kind of leadership I want anyway. I may go by 'Emperor' still, but I've long since given up conquering. I hope that in time I can simply help to guide BARiTONES to the conclusion we all want there most, and can help bridge communications for compromise when things are too complicated.

...mm, I was really right in thinking you had promise. Past troubles aside—I think we're all going to do just fine, eventually.

... Eventually.

[He gives a little smile. He's still down, but it is encouraging to hear.]

I wish I knew a little better what everyone needed from me. I suspect I may be able to recruit Emet Selch in finding out, though. Yourself or Yvette as well, but you two are included in needing to know what you'd need.

I suspect right now, Kohime just needs support. She needs to be agreed with and to have direct assistance, but she won't accept it from me.

Emecchi's really good at that, isn't he? I think you could definitely count on him, and I'm happy to help. And so long as I can keep myself busy and have people to talk to, I'll be fine.

...it's a little troublesome that Kohime's happiness is so fragile, though.

Of course. He has a way with everyone, it seems. Quite charming~ I could pick up a thing or two, maybe. And really, that's all I'd ask you to do. You are quite good at it as well, you have your own sort of charm that is honest, without you having to spill too much of yourself.

It is... "Troublesome" is a nice way to put it. I would like to find a way to make it more permanent, even slightly, but I have blown my chance at it, and I don't know how to help anymore now other than to give her space and not try to quell her independence. If you or Yvette could figure out something more for me to do, let me know, I guess?

I'll do my best to let you know.

...I know she matters to you quite a bit, after all. It's hard when you end up at odds with someone who you hold dear.

[Eichi sucks in a breath, letting it out in a huff.]

I should be used to it by now.

"Should be"—well, you might think, but that sort of thing... I'm not sure anyone really gets used to it so much as they just start holding people at arm's length in the first place. So don't hold it against yourself.

Re: DAY 197 ???SOMETIME???

syckophant - 2020-03-31 10:08 (UTC) - Expand

Re: DAY 197 ???SOMETIME???

marsascending - 2020-04-02 03:42 (UTC) - Expand