the question catches fox off-guard. his index finger twitches as he's about to turn another page, and he stops and just stares at the paper for a few moments]
During those last few--hours? days?--of time spent in your room, it all sort of blurs near the end, I could feel myself slipping into nothingness. I resisted as much as I could, but I could feel the inevitability creeping up on me. One of my last thoughts I can recall before seeing Shu was making a vow to come back, even as one of the Damned, even as a ghost. I vowed to come back to my loved one's arms again. And I vowed to haunt you for the rest of eternity, however little that would mean.
Do you know, I never made it back to Taisho until much later? As soon as Shu and I entered the elevator, we were whisked away to that awful House. I spent the entire game greying and losing my sense of self... as I also grew mad with bloodlust and rage. I have no doubt that, had I come upon you there, I would have lost all sense of reason and attacked you until you were little more than a bloody heap.
Afterwards, I found I could not bring myself to draw, or to paint. Inspiration had left me, and without it I felt empty, broken. Thankfully, a friend suggested to me that I try to expel my pain through art--perhaps by doing so, I might be able to exorcise it. And so I did. I painted what had happened to me, what I had felt, what mixed-up memories I could piece together of the entire experience. That is how others came to know about it. And in a way, it worked; I was able to create art again, but more often than not what appears in my mind's eye are images of you. So, while I have exorcised my pain, I have absorbed all thoughts of you.
You are not the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But you are close. It is true that I regret treating you poorly and I regret trying to hide our relationship from Shu. It is also true that I did not deserve to be hurt so egregiously in retaliation. I do not see you as my captor anymore... but still, I feel you have a hold on me that I am unable to remove. Would killing you remove it? I fear it will only make me want to pull you closer. Would leaving you be remove it? I think my yearning for you would drive me mad. I have made attempts to salvage what remains of our friendship, but they do little good. Hating you makes my chest hurt. The thought of loving you makes it hurt, too. Would it be better to surrender to you? Or to fight you tooth and nail? I do not know.
So, I have resigned myself... to being consumed by thoughts of you. To this obsession. Something will break it eventually, I hope, but fighting it has done me no good.
no subject
the question catches fox off-guard. his index finger twitches as he's about to turn another page, and he stops and just stares at the paper for a few moments]
During those last few--hours? days?--of time spent in your room, it all sort of blurs near the end, I could feel myself slipping into nothingness. I resisted as much as I could, but I could feel the inevitability creeping up on me. One of my last thoughts I can recall before seeing Shu was making a vow to come back, even as one of the Damned, even as a ghost. I vowed to come back to my loved one's arms again. And I vowed to haunt you for the rest of eternity, however little that would mean.
Do you know, I never made it back to Taisho until much later? As soon as Shu and I entered the elevator, we were whisked away to that awful House. I spent the entire game greying and losing my sense of self... as I also grew mad with bloodlust and rage. I have no doubt that, had I come upon you there, I would have lost all sense of reason and attacked you until you were little more than a bloody heap.
Afterwards, I found I could not bring myself to draw, or to paint. Inspiration had left me, and without it I felt empty, broken. Thankfully, a friend suggested to me that I try to expel my pain through art--perhaps by doing so, I might be able to exorcise it. And so I did. I painted what had happened to me, what I had felt, what mixed-up memories I could piece together of the entire experience. That is how others came to know about it. And in a way, it worked; I was able to create art again, but more often than not what appears in my mind's eye are images of you. So, while I have exorcised my pain, I have absorbed all thoughts of you.
You are not the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But you are close. It is true that I regret treating you poorly and I regret trying to hide our relationship from Shu. It is also true that I did not deserve to be hurt so egregiously in retaliation. I do not see you as my captor anymore... but still, I feel you have a hold on me that I am unable to remove. Would killing you remove it? I fear it will only make me want to pull you closer. Would leaving you be remove it? I think my yearning for you would drive me mad. I have made attempts to salvage what remains of our friendship, but they do little good. Hating you makes my chest hurt. The thought of loving you makes it hurt, too. Would it be better to surrender to you? Or to fight you tooth and nail? I do not know.
So, I have resigned myself... to being consumed by thoughts of you. To this obsession. Something will break it eventually, I hope, but fighting it has done me no good.